Peace

wishing you a peaceful holiday season

I had to send a hard email to my lawyer last week. At the end of her response, she wrote “Happy holidays to you and your boys, Dawn. I hope you have a happy and peaceful Christmas together.” I bawled. (probably not a shock, I know.)

A peaceful holiday with my kids is exactly what I have ached for over the last four Christmases since separating. A peaceful Christmas. Not a shared parenting Christmas with a mentally abusive man. Not a grief-filled Christmas while they had Christmas morning without me. Not a Christmas where he bought extravagant gifts for them, while I couldn’t because he refused to pay his over-due child support. Not a Christmas that came less than three months after he physically abused my youngest, meaning my kids didn’t get to spend the morning together. The same Christmas where he bought presents for one child and not for the other, and I was left to console a broken-hearted 8-year-old about it. Not a Christmas where I finally set a boundary with my ex and refused to let him continue to hurt my oldest, after years of asking him to parent better, and him doing it worse to spite me. This year, I will have a peaceful Christmas.

My lawyer had a front row seat to my not-so-peaceful previous Christmases. She understands how valuable this level of peace is. Her word gave me a new level of appreciation for it too. Peace has been an idea that I have worked toward for a long time. Each year I settle deeper into letting go unimportant stressors and I am a better person for it. Honestly, the intention of writing this piece was to share some of the ways I have reduced stress over the holidays, but as usual, the act of writing took me somewhere else completely.

So, before I get into the actions (or inactions) I have taken, and the mindset shifts that have helped me reduce stress, I am going to take a moment to acknowledge that major stressor that I couldn’t do much about. I’d like to encourage you to do the same. We give ourselves a hard time for not being merry and bright this season, while most of us have major stuff going on in the background that can make merry and bright feel completely elusive. Chasing that elusive happy holiday can create an anxiety to try and produce happiness when it simply isn’t there, taking us further away from any genuine peace.

It is really important to focus on the things we can control and to do what we can about them. I believe it’s also really important to let ourselves feel what we feel about the things we can’t immediately control, and to admit when it’s impacting our lives. I’m an optimistic person and I believe I can create positive change in my life. That is not the same as pretending that the things that happened to us was ok or that it didn’t change us. It’s ok to make space for acknowledging this. My ex manipulating my children into believing he loved them more because he gave them more, was wrong. Him trying to bribe my youngest into going back to a place where he was abused with Christmas presents, was wrong. The way he handled that year, put a deeper rift between my children and that was wrong. Having to cut access completely because my ex refused to parent in a non-abusive way was heart-breaking. It’s not fair of me to even pretend that happy and joyful were on the table for me in the middle of all that and I really wish I had been easier on myself while I was going through it.

I cut a lot of un-necessary stressors over those years. Partly because I didn’t have the capacity to do them. It was also an effort to create peace for us, because peace is what I want for them to feel when they’re with me. Peace is a high-stakes player in our recovery from what he’s done. These are some of the tangible things I did to reduce stress and to allow peace over the holidays:

• When my youngest heard from a friend that Santa wasn’t real, I confirmed his suspicion instead of keeping the Santa story going. It was sad that some of the magic was gone, but it meant that he knew the presents came from me, and that took so much pressure off. I didn’t have to try and keep up with the Santa at Daddy’s house to keep him from finding out. I didn’t need to try and keep up with the Santa at his friend’s houses either. This might sound scrooge-y, but I honestly wish I’d never started the Santa non-sense. Why do we need some made up stranger to bring our children presents? I really hate the comparison it encourages and the worthiness issues it can lead to for children who don’t have financially well-off parents. I hate the stress it creates for parents too and the debt it drives, but I digress.

• I stopped the elf that year too and I was glad not to have the regular panic of forgetting to move it that would hit me most nights as I was almost asleep. This year, we started something new with the elf, though and it’s been really fun! The kids and I take turns moving the elf now and I love getting to see their creativity and their humor. It is way more fun for all of us this way, honestly.

• I stopped trying to make my kids go to Christmas events that they didn’t really want to go to. We are all sensitive creatures. Parades and crowded parties, aren’t their idea of a good time, and it’s not mine either. I used to take them to everything because I wanted to make sure it was a special time of year and that they had fun. We did enjoy some of them, but it usually just meant more stress and frustration.

• I do things that I enjoy, and the kids will go with their grandparents. I love going to Port de Grave at Christmas time to see the boats lit up, for example. I can spend hours taking pictures there. My kids hate the drive there and they’re bored after ten minutes. I’ve finally conceded that this just isn’t a family activity and I plan to go alone this year. A happy mom is a good thing for them too. Every day doesn’t need to be special family time.

• I gave up doing things that are just for a picture or just for this season and I decided that how our Christmas looks isn’t as important as how it feels. This means I don’t buy matching pajamas. I don’t buy new outfits for all the themed days at school. I don’t do much decorating. I don’t want cup towels or table cloths that I can only use for a few weeks. Our gingerbread cookies are dinosaur shaped. I don’t do any special cleaning either. All the people who visit me at Christmas are people who visit all year round. They know what my house looks like. I spend most of the season in my hot pink fuzzy robe with my hair in a bun. There is nothing instagram-worthy about our Christmas holiday and I’m really good with it.

• I don’t participate in extended family functions and we don’t do a lot of visiting. I don’t need to spend our holiday stressing about hitting all these places simply because other people expect it. They all know where I live if they want a visit. Again, the kids were usually bored or over-stimulated when we did do these things anyway, so now I just don’t.

• Not doing all these things, means we have a lot more time for things that do matter. My kids love to spend time with their cousins, so we prioritize this. We watch movies and play boardgames together. I read while my cat tries to stop me. The kids have playdates and play online with their friends. School is stressful for my neurodiverse kids, so we treat the break as an actual break.

• Sleep has been a major struggle over the years since my ex and I separated. I prioritize sleep over pretty much everything else. We don’t stay up late for Christmas Eve or any other day. There is no party or special occasion that would make me want to purposely deal with my exhaustion or theirs.

• I let the kids do most of the shopping for their grandparents and cousins. It is so much more personal and special this way, plus it’s cheaper and less stressful for me. These are gifts from the three of us, and they participate in it fully. We also do some homemade gifts. I asked my youngest what we should get for his Nan. His answer was ‘love and appreciation.’ He decided to write her a letter telling her how much he loves her. She will love that more than anything I could have bought. This is really what the season is about anyway, not manic shopping and list checking.

• I cut the number of people I shop for too. Anybody who was on the list simply because I felt like they ‘should’ be, got taken off the list. Lots of them stopped getting me gifts in return and I think it was a relief for everyone. No one wants to give obligation gifts and they’re usually not great ones to get. I felt really bad about this the first year, but it’s taken so much stress off my plate in the long run.

• I thought when I moved into my own place that I would start cooking my own Christmas dinners and hosting get-togethers. I don’t have any desire to do either, so I haven’t and I’m not going to. I’m quite happy to go to my Mom’s house or my sister’s house for dinner and honestly, they both make way better dinner than I could cook anyway. Maybe next year, I’ll want to do those things and maybe I won’t. Either way, I’m not going to put pressure on myself to do it if I don’t genuinely want to.

I would love to know if there is anything you’ve done to make sure your holiday is more aligned and peaceful! Or does peaceful feel like a far off dream? If this is a hard season and you’re not feeling merry or happy, it’s really ok to feel that way. I think we need to normalize that idea instead of trying to hide the hard stuff behind pretty pictures. It’s also ok if one moment feels like pure joy, and the next is full of grief. It’s much more common than you might think.

No matter how this season feels for you right now, I wish you a peaceful holiday. I hope you make choices to help create more moments of peace for yourself, no matter what else is happening.

Dawn