Intentions

I bought a DSLR camera not long after I first became a mother. I bought it with the intention of taking beautiful pictures of my sweet baby’s every move and every expression.

I splurged on this camera thinking that it would take better pictures than my old hot pink, compact Sony camera – the one that I would carry in my wristlet with my flip phone, lip gloss and twenty bucks for a night downtown. This was my new, grown up camera.

That camera didn’t magically take better pictures the way I’d thought it would though and after one attempt at figuring out what all the buttons did, I put it back in the box and put that box in the top of my closet and that’s where it stayed.

I get to

As soon as I seen the photography basics course advertised by Nate and Nicole Photography, I desperately wanted to do it. This course cost double what the camera did though and it was a full two day, in person thing, which normally would have made it an absolute no.

What made that no turn into a yes? Well, I was married to a man who didn’t ever hesitate when it came to spending time and money on things he wanted. That inequity in fun spending (that he did), and figuring out how to pay for that spending (that I did), was a huge issue in our relationship. One that only got bigger and bigger the more our family income grew. This course was honestly a ‘Fuck this. If you can spend money on, and take time to do shit you want to do, so can I.’

Simply deciding to say yes shifted something inside me for the better. Looking back I can see it was an important turning point where I started to prioritize what I wanted and needed in that relationship, as opposed to being the one who only got what was left over, if there was anything left over.

What I took from that course (and from the subsequent workshops and groups I took part in) was so much bigger than learning to take better pictures, too. It changed how I saw the world – quite literally.

Learning to learn

The Overfalls, Conception Harbour, Newfoundland and Labrador

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The first thing that photography taught me was how to be shitty at something and not quit trying to get better. This was harder than it sounds.

I didn’t grow up with a growth mindset. In my world, you were either good at something or you weren’t and those assignments were made early. I was good at numbers, not good at art – or so I came to believe about myself as a very young child.

Now I know that I can be good at anything that I decide I’m willing to work at being good at and that sucking is just part of the process. The road to that belief was paved with millions of shitty pictures.

Nicole would often say, ‘We aren’t making art right now. We are practicing concepts.’ She would push us to share our shitty pictures and to discuss as a group what made them shitty so we could learn to make them better. Basically, it was exposure therapy for my perfectionist self.

I paid to be in her monthly photography group after that first basics workshop though, so no matter how uncomfortable I got, I was determined to do all the assignments and to share them in the group for critique.

I learned to notice when I started getting frustrated, and to purposely stop, take some breaths, and talk myself down. Basically, I was doing nervous system work before I ever knew what a nervous system was and that practice made me a far more patient and capable person.

Turns out, it’s also really, really satisfying to do something that you know you couldn’t have done just a little while ago. Being able to suck long enough to finally ‘get it’ brought a sense of satisfaction and personal pride that I didn’t know was possible to feel until I started challenging myself with stuff I couldn’t do.

Over time, and after challenging myself with lots of things I thought I couldn’t do, I have developed an utter faith in my ability to figure shit out. This has opened my world up in ways I could never have imagined when I was cursing on that camera for not doing what I wanted it to do.

Presence

Wild Rose, taken while my kids were swimming in the Still, Seal Cove, Newfoundland and Labrador

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I started to learn photography so I could get better pictures of my son, but by the time I got around to learning to use that camera, I had two kids running around. As it turned out, they had zero interest in being a part of my plan. The cat and the wildflowers in the yard became my most frequent subjects instead.

It didn’t take long before sitting by myself in the yard with a bunch of wild flowers became a joy all itself. If I got the shot I was trying to get or not, started to matter a whole lot less because regardless of what the images looked like, I got quiet time by myself with the sun on my face.

I still spend time taking pictures of wildflowers (or dead weeds. Doesn’t matter.) For me, that practice is better than any meditation when it comes to tuning out the world and the never-ending to do list in my mind. Everything else disappears except what’s in front of my lens and how best to capture it. It truly is bliss.

Just for me

I was a person who desperately hated to spend money on frivolous things – ya know the ones that bring joy and fun, but not money. So while I was ok with my spity purchase of the one time basics workshop, the monthly group was a different story. As much as I loved that group, I felt endless guilt about spending money every month on it, when it was just for me.

Very soon after I learned how to take a decent picture, I started offering photoshoots to offset the amount I was spending. I loved and hated these photoshoots in equal measure. While I was doing it, I was in the zone and it was amazing. I loved getting to meet new people and I loved that I got to show them how I saw them.

Leading up to these photoshoots was a different story though. That felt more like panic: ‘What if I really don’t know what I’m doing and I fuck it all up?’ ‘What if they hate the pictures and think it’s a waste of money?’ That dreadful feeling wouldn’t fully dissipate until the photos were delivered and they told me they loved them.

I did the photos for a wedding, and didn’t sleep for a full two weeks leading up to the date. It all went fabulous and they were happy clients, but it was hard on me.

It was an interesting push-pull. I loved doing them, I loved practicing what I was learning and I was getting pretty good at it. It was also flexible work where I made good money. Every logical reason pointed to continuing on doing them.

On the other side of that, it became something I felt like I should do more than something I wanted to do. Even posting online or advertising felt like a terrible chore and every single post felt like a fight with myself to get myself to do it. The whole thing was exhausting.

However I felt about having a business as a photographer, it allowed me to keep paying for education, mentorship and new equipment and that was the winning factor.

Get Out and Explore

Puffin, taken in Elliston, NL

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In 2020, after my ex and I separated, I suddenly had more freedom to roam. He would take the kids every second weekend, which meant I had time to go see the places I wanted to see.

It really didn’t matter if it was hiking Topsail Beach trail for the 100th time or going someplace entirely new, I could now just get in my car and go do it. This was not my reality before separating.

Going to Middle Cove Beach to take pictures of some epic waves is not nearly the same experience with two children who are fearless explorers, as it is going by myself. One of those is a terrifying experience. The other is pure peace.

I was falling more and more in love with this province, the more I got to see of it. Photography was the kick in the ass to go do that.

While it was great to be able to make a few extra dollars here and there to fund the fun stuff, some severe burnout made the stress of doing photoshoots for people a clear no going forward.

Camera 35

I have had the opportunity to shoot alongside some of the most talented and knowledgeable photographers on the island, and that is worth far more than the measly 40 bucks it costs per year to participate. 

I never did love the technical side of photography and talking about gear does not turn me on the way it does some. Attending Camera 35 outings and posting in their group, pushed me far outside my comfort zone, in the best way. Because the thing is, when I said, ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about there’, someone always stopped to explain it to me and never with any condescension.

For example, I shared some photos I had taken of fireworks and asked how to make them better. One of the members shared a document he’d made with all the different settings possibilities and their outcomes.

It is not a course with a teacher. It is a group that shares knowledge. It truly is a wonderful group with many wonderful individuals who are only too happy to help a newbie out.

It does seem to be very focused on competitions, but it is truly a take what you need sort of space. If you can get over the intimidation factor of it all, you can truly learn so much.

Nicole Winters Photography

While Nicole has moved away from teaching, I’ve heard rumblings that she may be re-opening ‘the club’ which is a monthly membership group. I’d give her a follow on social media just in case!

The people I’ve met inside that group were some of the most supportive, kind, encouraging people you will ever meet. I still smile when I see their pictures online and send some love. They do the same in return. It’s a no competition, no judgement space to learn and practice and there are people of all levels.

IceberGallery artists network

This is an inclusive, welcoming space for all levels of artists of all types. Commercializing your art can be a really challenging thing for new artists. They offer free tables at art markets, free workshops, and so much more. There is no gatekeeping of information at all here and the group is free to join.

Jonny, is the most dedicated person I’ve ever met. He started with this idea for a group to help emerging artists – and built it from the ground up.

I learned so much here, not just about art – but about believing in yourself. I learned that it’s ok to bootstrap your passions and that art is valuable even if you aren’t a master.