Pride

An unfamiliar feeling

I have been feeling quite proud of myself lately. Proud of how I’m handling hard conversations. Proud of myself for asking for help. Proud of myself for letting go of wishing things were different and instead stepping into a powerful place of acceptance and accountability. Proud of how I’m showing up as a parent. December has brought a lot of hard triggers and emotions. I am surprised at how often I also feel pride for how I’m handling it all.

Pride is not an emotion I was good at feeling. It took me 8 months after I self-published my first book to have a book launch. I built a house and didn’t feel a shred of pride or accomplishment. I left an awful marriage. I got my children out of that cycle of abuse. I started a business. I have done a lot of amazing things. Pride hasn’t been a natural accompaniment to any of them. Pride is something I’ve had to practice.

I was raised to believe pride was synonymous with being conceited. Turns out it isn’t in the least. Pride can be quiet and humble actually. The things I’m most proud of lately are not accomplishments I’d put on a resume or post on social media. It’s not me screaming ‘I’m the best, look at me.’ The things I’m feeling proud of are quiet moments of growth that few people would even understand the value of. I am most proud of myself for stopping long enough to feel what I feel and for taking honest stock of where I am and where I want to be.

This lovely and surprising emotion made me think of a poem I wrote a couple years ago. It is part of my first book, Love, Sex and Codependence. I did my first poetry reading and then immediately came home and curled into a ball and shut the curtains. After an intense inner child meditation, this poem came out. It represents the start of me understanding my blocks to feeling genuine pride. I love how things flow onto a page that I had no idea were affecting me. It feels like a dam breaking free. It always hurts, but feels so amazing once I hit that new level of awareness.

Window

watching life through the window
sunset red doesn’t warm my skin
fingerprint glass in between
skies blue or grey, doesn’t matter
I feel the same in any weather

I step out in my pretty green summer dress
it had hung a long time in the closet
it all looks different from outside
clear and vibrant
heavenly fragrances on the air

wind tousles my hair, invigorating
I speak my heart to the wildflowers
in the field, a warm taste of belonging
immense joy fills me to burst
then grief for not knowing this feeling exists

retreat inside, grab a blanket
strangle my hair into a bun
change to flannel, worn out pyjamas
I bet the wind curses clothes and hair so staunch
immovable, when movement is what’s wanted

my recoiled hair is unsightly
eyes wet and body lumpy
my thoughts are the most hideous
I was welcomed
why do I feel disgusting and worthless?

close the curtains as a desperate plea
please slow the unnameable shame that’s consuming me
some dog walker might pass by and see this mess
oh to be someone capable of living so casually
not crippled by what someone might believe

curtains closed, a shred of relief
now it’s between me and me
wrap myself in myself
cross legged, folded hands
go deeper inside til I find some place to land

wildflowers aren’t real flowers, I was told all my life
they are weeds with no value
hindrance to the uniform crushed stone
pink is so loud and ostentatious
I am pink now, cue the painful internal adjustments

wake in the morning, hair free and wild
cloak my body with a heavy knit sweater
well worn flannel underneath
sip hot coffee just outside the door

I watch the sun inch up once more
so good to know it does it every day
let the yellow move slowly up from my toes
see how long I can stand it
before going in to make me presentable
before standing and admiring out the window

I later read this poem aloud at another poetry open mic night. I felt nervous, but not nearly as overcome with panic as the first time I’d done a reading. Sharing my writing has not been an easy thing to do, but it is getting so much easier the more I do it.

I didn’t expect to be faced with deep-seeded feelings of unworthiness and fear of abandonment each time I share, but these are exactly the things that are telling me to keep my writing to myself. I am committed to repatterning this into something helpful and healthy. I’ve given myself a whole lot of pep talks along the way. It’s ok to feel proud of what I’ve created. It’s ok if people don’t like it. It doesn’t need to be perfect because there is no perfect. It’s ok if people don’t like me, even.

I also do coaching, to help myself with this. My lovely business coach, Gina, gets us to share wins each week when we meet inside the business circle. It is an incredibly powerful practice. It’s been so important to have people in my life who I can brag to. People who don’t think I’m conceited or showing off, but who understand the work that goes into the things I’m celebrating. They can do that because they are working on their own growth and dreams too.

Growth should be celebrated. Accomplishing goals should be celebrated. Showing up consistently for what’s important to me should be celebrated. Releasing toxic self-deprecation should be celebrated. Today I am celebrating. I am celebrating the fact that I can feel proud of myself for what I do, instead of defaulting to focusing on how I could have done it better or how the results could have been greater. Changing my relationship has changed everything about how I show up in life and in business. I’m proud of me for chipping away at it.

I want to know about your relationship to pride! Is it a feeling that comes naturally when you do a good job? Or do you move from one goal to the next, with no pause for celebration? Feel free to hit reply and tell me something you are proud of yourself for! There’s nothing too small. Let me celebrate with you. This growth journey is way more fun with company 🙂

Dawn

PS. If you enjoy these kinds of topics, tell a friend, or hit subscribe! I actually want people to read my stuff now, after years of really not wanting them to! Pride and confidence go hand in hand.