I'm Turning 40!

Here’s how I plan to celebrate

Hello friends!

I am turning 40 this Saturday and I have a lot of competing thoughts and emotions around that. When I was in my 20’s I loathed my birthday. It felt like this huge clock ticking in my face and reminding me about all the things I hadn’t accomplished yet. Things like: get married, build a house, have kids, and get the good-paying government job.

As the years ticked by, I achieved all those things I thought I needed to do in my 20’s, and that urgency to tick off the list faded. I was still far from happy and the dread I felt about my birthday didn’t go away either. Actually, I was piling on new awful associations to go with my birthday each year. If you’ve ever been the child of a narcissist, or been the partner of one, you understand why birthdays are not a fun time. If you don’t, I’m really glad you don’t and you can read more about the birthday drama in my next book, Dark Corners. Suffice it to say, my birthday was not something celebrated. My birthday was basically a day where my ex (and my dad before him) would go out of their way to remind me how unimportant I was. If those digs didn’t have the desired affect, and I dared to try and have a fun time with friends, there would be some huge blow-up or jealous rage to make sure I didn’t get to enjoy it. My birthday became something I gave up celebrating altogether.

By 2020, I started getting rid of all the things I had worked so hard for in my 20’s (except the kids. I kept those.) I left that awful marriage, I quit the job, and I sold that house. I started building again from a list that really mattered to me. I built a new, quainter house. I started a business. I wrote a book. The process of doing all those things led me deep into the personal development world. There I found lots of new, wonderfully supportive people who are now my close friends.

One of those friends, is Dana. In 2022 Dana and I took a trip to Miami to see Abraham Hicks and we went around my birthday. It was an incredible trip. What happened while I was gone, was not so incredible. I had planned this trip on a weekend that the kids were supposed to be with their dad. We were doing 50/50 custody then. That October, he abused my youngest son and visitation with him stopped. While I was away on my trip, my in-law’s babysat. My ex showed up at their house and tried to forcibly take my son. My mother-in-law had to lock him out of the house, she was so afraid. I didn’t find any of this out until I landed home. Both my kids were traumatized by this and I felt like dirt for being away and having fun. That incident made me want to shut down and hide away on my birthday even more.

I am stubborn about re-patterning my body’s response to my birthday, though. I don’t want how my ex treated me to dictate how I think and act going forward. I’ve done lots of trauma processing and writing around it to understand the feeling and to help shift it. The second part of that is to create a new story about my birthday by having new experiences. Last year, in 2023, I decided to throw myself a party to try and change how I felt about the day. I called it a book launch and invited all the awesome people who helped me and supported me with that project.

The weather that night was terrible and after I got about ten messages that day from people saying they couldn’t make it, I almost cancelled the whole thing and stayed home in my pajamas. That old fear of rejection was loud. Thankfully, my friend, Lucy talked me off the ledge and I went on to have an amazing evening with some wonderful people. Watching them all connect with each other was so rewarding. Letting them show up for me was rewarding too, while extremely uncomfortable. That night went a long way to changing how I feel about my birthday. (If you were there, know your support is my therapy and I am so grateful.)

As my birthday creeps up this year, I’ve been feeling that old dread again. I’ve been hesitant to make plans. I’ve been self-isolating more than is good. When Lucy offered to plan a supper out for me, I felt so weird about even inviting anyone. Those old emotions still come up and they are strong.

Yesterday, my lawyer called me to tell me my ex decided he wants custody again now. It’s been a year since he’s seen my oldest and two since he’s seen my youngest. He has a clear plan laid out by a judge for how to go about reunification with them, which includes family counselling. He hasn’t booked an appointment for that. He is free to call and text my oldest as much as he wants. He doesn’t, except for a one line message on holidays and birthdays. He didn’t even show up to our last court date, that’s how much he’s not working to do anything to fix the broken relationship with his kids. I know that him reaching out now isn’t about seeing the kids. It’s about making sure I’m consumed with guilt and legal bullshit on my birthday. Fuck that.

It’s funny that what he intended to ruin my birthday, is actually what made me stubborn about doing things to make sure I enjoy it. I am going out for supper with my girlfriends and it will be lovely. (If you didn’t get an invite, know it’s trauma brain and not that I don’t love you. If you want to come, it’s Saturday night. Message me for details.) The kids and I have a day trip planned and that will be lovely too.

I also had a dream last week that felt really fun and I’ve now decided to do it. In my dream, Gina and I were talking about blitzing social media to try and sell 40 copies of my book for my 40th birthday. It is me asking my friends to support me by buying a copy, gifting a copy or sharing about it on social media. Asking for support from people who are happy to give it, is part of re-wiring that old programming. I do deserve to be celebrated on my birthday and I’m allowed to celebrate myself. The people who made me believe otherwise don’t get that much pull around here anymore, no matter what my emotions or insecurities say.

Dawn

PS. I plan to use this platform to stay in touch! Expect behind-the-scene’s book writing stuff, sneak peaks of new writing, blog posts on creative/ mindset topics, life updates, journal prompts, etc. I’d love it if you subscribed!